I woke up packed in ice in the bathtub and my stitches were gone
A couple of weeks ago I had to have a skin biopsy on my belly. Fortunately, I got to go to the Mayo Clinic to have it done, and since they are soooo awesome, I assumed they would just use some spray on mole remover and then send me home with a home health care nurse/barista/pasty chef to take care of me while I recuperated. Well...guess what they sent me home with. A suture removal kit and instructions for my husband to take out the stitches in two weeks! Huh?
Jon: Let's take out those sutures!
me: I'm gonna go vagal. I always go vagal.
Jon: Nah, it won't be bad.
me: Can you do this? It seems pretty complex.
Jon: What do you think I do all day?
me: It's just...do you have enough light?
Jon: Yeah. These scissors are lame. Don't we have some surgical scissors?
me: Surgical scissors??? I'm going vagal.
Jon: Is this how you act at the doctor?
me: Did you page anesthesia? OUCH! It hurts! OUCH! Are you cutting my skin?!
Jon: No, I didn't cut your skin. See? Here's one suture.
me: Going vagal...everything is whiting out...I see a bright light...Grandma?
Jon: I'm firing you as a patient.
me: Where are you going?!
Jon: I'm done.
me: Am I bleeding? Aren't you going to wheel me to post-op? I need you to elevate my feet and bring me some apple juice.
Anyway. I don't have skin cancer. But I do have post traumatic stress disorder from the suture removal.
Wow, Katie. You are brave. I am SO SO glad you are alright re: biopsy results. Why do doctors have so much faith in regular people? Maybe they think suture removal is like taking off a band-aid. Anyway, I learnt a new word today - vagal. I shall use it on caterpillars. I don't care if it is medical. Feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteOh I'm the biggest wimp nerd in the world. I screamed at the beginning when my husband pulled off the tape that was holding the bandage in place. I can't believe I've had 3 babies.
ReplyDeleteHe actually is a doctor, though, which is maybe why he kept rolling his eyes at me.
Katie -
ReplyDeleteThis sounds exactly like something that would happen in our house! I also go vagal alot - AND John thinks I am the biggest wimp when he has done 'minor procedures' on me in the past ;) When you are fully recovered we should hang out again!
Erin
Oh my gosh, I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's so embarrassing! Yes, come over again ANY time! I am keeping a pitcher of iced coffee in the fridge now...mmmm...iced coffee....
ReplyDeleteYou are still fired.
ReplyDeleteholy fuck i just choked on my sandwich. what i meant by 'i am a sailor' in that future post is that i swear like a sailor. there. i said it. and now, back to reading this dialogue again sans sandwich so i don't require resuscitation.
ReplyDeleteI swear like a sailor, too! I constantly have to edit myself.
ReplyDeleteCan you treat me for the PTSD? I'll probably never be able to look at a needle and thread again without having flashbacks.