The Horror

Yesterday I had a coupon for Michaels Coupon Madness (25% off your entire purchase including sales items!) I knew it was indeed going to be madness, but I needed supplies to finish my monkey cars. I took Jon with me to be my bodyguard. We only had from 4pm to 8pm to get in and get out. We approached Michaels from the flank and when we were about one click away from Dress Barn, I turned to my family and said, "Some of us might not come back."

Jon strapped Maggie into the sling, and we moved out. I grabbed a hand basket because I knew I'd never make it with a full size shopping cart. And then I saw them. The enemy front line. The scrapbookers. "Save yourselves!" I told Jon and Ethan, and they retreated to the model car section. I smeared my face with camo paint (pink and brown), beat my chest, and yelled, "I love the smell of Mod Podge in the morning!" That stunned the enemy long enough so that I could push through and make my way back to the wood department. Nobody ever goes back there. All those poor little wood things. I liberated as many as I could in my basket, plus a canister of Permastone (I totally want to make more hedgehog pencil holders), and a bottle of orange paint.

I signaled to Jon to meet me at the chopper and moved full speed to the checkout. Noooo there was an enemy combatant in line in front of me with silk flowers! Silk flowers! Tons of them. Some missing price tags. "Are you an assassin?" I asked. But just then, the gods smiled down on me and opened another lane. "Grenade!" I yelled as I did a flying front roll and landed right in front of the register, handed the cashier my coupon, and evacuated. In the chopper I realized that I'd forgotten skinny blue masking tape. Damn. I knew somebody wouldn't make it back. The horror. The horror.